


Ron Paul's Drag Race

by Holy_Leonards



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Crack, Drag, Drag Race, Gen, Limp Sync For Your Life, Pagan Rites, Shot Jaw, Shot leg, Walkers, rite of spring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 14:52:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4353125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holy_Leonards/pseuds/Holy_Leonards
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ron Paul gathers together the greatest group of individuals to race in drag.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ron Paul's Drag Race

They were all gathered at the starting line of the racetrack. You had Chairman Mao, Nixon, Reagan, Vladimir Lenin, Vladimir Putin, Karl Marx, Jimmy Carter, Adolf Hitler, Sigmund Freud, Leonard Nimoy, and Richard Wagner. Pretty much the shit of humanity (Except Nimoy he is perf). 

On the podium next to the track, Ron Paul stood.

“Welcome welcome to Ron Paul's drag race! I have gathered you all here today because you have exhibited the skills, mental ability, and intestinal fortitude to take part in this grand event that I decided to put on in hopes of becoming the president of the Holy States of North America. In this event you will race me and each other along this 30 foot strip of track. You will all be in the uniform and have to use your walking aids that are provided for you. The rest is up to you!”

He got down and started passing around the racing uniforms. He had all of the contestants in the most ridiculous drag that you have ever seen. He placed the walkers in front of them all and he got into position on the end of them.

“When the gun fires, we race!”

There was silence for a moment until Robert E. Lee stood up from the stands and fired a shot right at Freud. His jaw flew off and they were off! The old men worked their walkers in front of them as fast as they could. Wrinkled limbs were getting tangled up in metal bars and with other wrinkled limbs. Ron Paul was the first to get to the finish line. He had the fastest time with 5 seconds. Before anyone else could finish they had all gotten tangled up in their broken limbs and walkers except for Freud. He crawled along the ground behind the mass of dirty adult diapers and garlic breath. Needless to say Freud finished last. 

Ron Paul got back up to the podium.

“Poor Sigmund! You know what the loser has to do if he wishes to be back to participate next week? No? Well, he has to LIMP SYNC FOR HIS LIFE!”

The crowd of one Robert E. Lee cheered.

“That's right! This week you have to perform the entire Rite Of Spring Ballet after we shoot one of your legs! Get ready.”

The other contestants dragged Freud up to the stage. Ron Paul pulled out a pistol from his jacket and shot Freud's left leg. A scream escaped the gaping hole of what was left of Freud's mouth. They propped him up on a cane and left him. He rested for the four minutes of introduction, but when the ballet got started he danced his beat skipping heart out. At the last part of the piece he was dancing faster and faster. Then, the flute flutter that signaled the main character's death sent him to the ground. He had actually danced himself to death. Ron Paul spoke again.

“OH! You know there is a rumor that you actually die if you perform this play while you are still a virgin. I guess that tells us something about our little Siggy. Alright folks see you next week! Same Ron time, Same Ron place!”

They all vanished in a cloud of Republican thoughts, leaving an empty racetrack and a dead psychologist.


End file.
